The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
