Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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