I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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