I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
