Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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