I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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