I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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