My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
