We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
