LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
