The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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