How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
