He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
