I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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