"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The adults are the big ones right?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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