So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
