Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
