Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
