And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
