My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh god it's open bar.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
