I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They have beer where we have blood.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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