If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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