dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
