I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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