I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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