My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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