We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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