He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
