I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Can Purell be used as lube?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
