Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
