you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
