If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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