Fine. I'll sleep in my office
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Text me some of your sweat
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