I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
