i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
