watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
