You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
