also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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