I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
