oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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