I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
