I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
