We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
