1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
