you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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