Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
