I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
