and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
