So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
