just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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