Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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