i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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