I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
